Tag Archives: Marriage

Matchmaker- Matchmaker

Posted in Brides, Dreams, family, Letters, Life, Love, relationships, Romace, Women by

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, look through your book, and make me a perfect match. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, I’ll bring the veil, you bring the groom, slender and pale.

Bring me a ring for I’m longing to be the envy of all I see. For Papa make him a scholar. For mama, make him rich as a king. For me, well, I wouldn’t holler if he were as handsome as anything.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a  match, find me a find, catch me a catch. Night after night in the dark, I’m alone so find me a match of my own. I promise you’ll be happy, and even if you’re not, there’s more to life than that…Don’t ask me what?

This matchmaker story is true and is about a man named  Paul and a woman named Karen he lived in New York and she lived in San Francisco, Ca.They met while Paul was attending a family reunion in San Francisco and he asked his cousin Hedy and her fiance’ Jack if they would call some friends who might be willing to go out on a date with him. They went to work, calling various women fortunately, Karen called them back. Hedy’s nick has been  Matchmaker, Matchmaker ever since her  collage years because she matched up more than fifteen couples which she never lets anyone forget about. Hello Dolly has nothing on her that is for sure.

Karen was sitting at the restaurant with Paul’s cousins, and she thought, he’s pretty good-looking. They started talking and Karen noticed Paul was one of the happiest people she had ever come across. And when he would talk about things that he had done and things that you wanted to do, it sounded incredibly appealing, like it would just be a fun life with him.

By the end of the evening  Karen handed him her business card, and He said, he would keep in touch. He called her from his family reunion and asked her if she would allow him to take her to dinner, and then would she take him to the airport? They continued their conversation on the pay phone rather enthusiastically for two hours and Paul’s cousins wondered why Paul wasn’t paying any attention to them or anyone else in  the rest of the family.

They had a great dinner, and then Karen took him to the airport. She saw him off, no peck on the cheek, nothing like that. While Paul was getting on the airplane he was thinking, this could be interesting. He spent the whole time on the plane writing a letter to her and when the plane landed instead of going to pick up his luggage he found a mail box and sent the letter. And come to find out that she had been up all night writing a letter to him and mailed it first thing in the morning. Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a perfect match!

Karen was really resisting having any feelings of liking him, because she lived in San Francisco and he lived in New York, which was extremely far away. She had never been there. And she had a nice career going, She owned her own home in San Francisco. She had a whole life in California, so why even get into any kind of entanglement with a man who lived so far away? It just seemed crazy. But then, obviously, She really like him.

They wrote each other a lot. They built up a lot of intimacy with all that communicating. It’s was like an essay every single day about a new topic. They wrote about everything. Paul said, a lot happened in those letters and he couldn’t help but be somewhat flirtation, just because it was kind of fun and innocent enough. Karen said, he was plenty flirtatious, but never made a pass at her.

Soon they were spending  hundreds of dollars a month on phone bills, flying back and forth, so they decided to cut to the chase about things. The catalyst for them was when Karen’s mom died in a car accident suddenly and it forced Paul to figure out whether he should be apart of this kind of …sadness. He hadn’t met her family and they were still in a new relationship. Paul thought it over and decided he wanted to be with Karen.

Karen asked her dad if he was up to meeting Paul and he said, yes.  He made a welcoming sign for Paul and made Paul feel welcomed and comfortable.  Karens dad was warm and kind to Paul even though he had just lost his wife and was very, very, very sad. Paul always admired Karens dad for his strength and making that sign for him. It was a tough time, but it built strength between them.

A few months later Karen was at work, and her colleague, said, “Oh, we forgot to tell you: we have to go across campus to see the new dean at the chapel.” So they were kind of jogging across campus, because they were late, and as they walked into the sanctuary she noticed some violin music. It wasn’t until she was pretty far into the church that she realized that it was Paul, and that he was playing the Winter Movement from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. There was an older couple sitting in the front pews, just in rapt attention, listening to him.

Karen didn’t know what was going on: Why was Paul doing this performance in the church? And then Karen kind of got an inkling when Paul finished he went over to her and asked her if she would marry him. She said, yes. It was incredibly romantic and incredibly surprising.

One of things that Karen said to Paul during their vows at the wedding was that she looked forward to seeing his happy face every morning and she still does. Paul still thinks Karen is all he imaged she would be except more of it. She is smart. She is generous and most of all she is just lots of fun to be around. They are very grateful to Hedy and Jack for matching them up.

Marriage Is A Mirror

Posted in Life, Love, relationships by

Mirror, mirror on the wall this marriage is the best of all.

How do you see your marriage now? Is it precious to you? Do you honor, appreciate, and place worth on your marriage as it is?

Or do you view your marriage as fundamentally flawed?

Do you know that all the energies and strategies you are using (thinking your marriage will be better if we just do this or we just change that) could end in failure? Unless you honor your marriage union first without conditions.

 Do you know that all your tactics can come across as manipulative strategies to get your spouse to do what you want. This smacks of duplicity and insincerity. You must work on your marriage because you believe it is valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable. Quick-fix manipulations do not make for a good marriage.

Have you ever walked past a mirror and where shocked or mortified by what you saw? Your hair was standing up in a weird way, your slip was showing, your fly was open, you had food in your front teeth? Mirrors can be real life savers. Had it had not been for that mirror, you may have gone the entire day looking ridiculous.

Marriage becomes like a mirror by living so closely with your wife or husband, the two of you start to get a picture of what you really look like. You start to see where you need to adjust and change. This is why marriage is so effective at making people’s live more rich and productive if they adjust to the needed changes.

Unfortunately, many expect marriage to be something that makes them look better, not something that reveals where they don’t look so good. Additionally, rather than seeing where you need to change, you might project your own negative images on your spouse and point out where they need to change: She is so irritating…he is such a lazy slob…I don’t want to act this way, but she brings out the worst in me. In the Bible, Adam played the blame game like this: “That woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, I ate it.” Playing the blame game doesn’t make for a happy marriage.

If you believe your spouse is present in the marriage to make you look better, instead of being a mirror to help us see who you really are, you will think your marriage is inadequate whenever one of your faults is revealed. Like the witch “Snow White” who became angry at the mirror for not telling her what she wanted to hear. We begin to criticize the mirror, spouse, and our marriage and end up communicating to him or her: This marriage isn’t good, you’re doing something wrong, we need to fix you.

 Then once you are internally convinced that your marriage is wrong, you will never be able to change it externally; no matter how much you work on your attitude or behavior. Your marriage becomes like a cracked mirror that can’t be repaired. People in troubled marriages seldom grasp the fact that bad marriages cannot become good ones by external pressure.

External marriage-enrichment techniques do not work unless you begin by changing your perception of yourself, your spouse and marriage. Unfortunately quick-fixs and manipulating don’t make for a lasting marriage.

No one has all the answers and unfortunately sometimes the raw truth is that there are couples who said those two wonderful words “ I Do” for all the wrong reasons and saying I don’t any more is the only solution for them. 

When anger festers, boils, seethes, and burns everything it touched and  communications attempted under fire are doomed from ever reaching their objective the rational mind of your partner. The words may come pouring out, but that doesn’t mean they’re understood…particularly if the mood is sour or angry.

Fighting isn’t necessarily bad, nor is it necessarily good and it’s common enough but hopefully short-lived. So don’t worry about the occasional flare-up, but do something if the fire under the cauldron never goes out because constant bickering wears down both parties and wears love out.

If you’re always at the boiling point, try to figure out why. You may be taking it out on your partner, but the source of your displeasure may be far from the home front. Acknowledging the reason your anger is boiling up will allow you to explain to your partner why you’re in a bad mood. And if it’s something your partner is doing, then try to work things out before the anger gets out of control.

Love Wilts without smiles, it drops under the weight of tears and it grows pale when it’s kept indoors. Storms of anger can melt away as quickly as they boil up but feeling sadness or anguish can be longer lasting. An injured heart can do as much damage to an emotion as ethereal as love as an outraged spleen can do to all your emotions.

Love Is All There Is

Posted in Life, Love, relationships, Romace, Spiritual by

Love is all there is when you take your last breath you remember the people you love, how much love you inspired, and how much love you gave.

If you only had forty minutes left to tell your love story what would you say?

What would you say so your great-great-grandchildren could someday know their grandparents love story? Would they be reminded how much love matters?  Would they hear the power, strength, and wisdom of love. Would they know that you cut right to the heart of love with every word you spoke? Would they know that the greatest themes in life is love?

Would they know you experienced romantic love? Would they hear about falling in love, remembering a loved one; and finding love unexpectedly after assuming it was no longer in the cards.

Would you speak of enduring and of the redemptive power of love. Would you make their spirit soar in a culture that often feels consumed by all that’s phony or famous. Would your words of love remind them to try to live a life without regrets?

Would you share your beliefs about love and how you celebrated love? Would you tell them about the dignity, power, and grace of love? Would you speak of love and marriage? Would you speak of your love for your children? Your love for your grandchildren? Would you speak of your love of country and God? Would you speak at the age of 85 about the love of your life who passed away a few years ago?

Here is a love story about Bob and his wife Dot as told by Bob at the age of 85.

“My wife and I were   honeymooners in San Fransisco and we saw a sign that said ” Successful Marriage.”

 I never will forget it: It had six points to always say to your wife or husband. The first one was: You Look Great.  The second one was: Can I help? The third one was: Let’s Eat Out. The fourth one was: I Was Wrong. And the fifth one was: I Am Sorry. But last and most important one was: I Love You. That was it. There were six statements, and it said if you follow them, you’ll have a successful marriage. So we followed it, and we did have a successful marriage.

“It lasted fifty-three years, two months, and five days. It’s been rough, but every morning when Bob wakes up she is included in his prayers, and he talks to her every night when he goes to bed. She was something. One thing: He said, if they ever let him go through those pearly gates, he’s going to walk all over God’s heaven until he finds that girl. And the first thing he’s going to do is ask her if she would marry him, and do it all over again.”

Love survives discrimination, illness, poverty, distance and even death. In the courage of people’s passion we are reminded of the strength and resilience of the human spirit through the power of love. We bear witness to real love, in its many varied forms, enriching our understanding of that most magical feelings of love. What’s your love language? What would you tell your great great-grandchildren about love?

Everybody Has A Story To Tell

Posted in Uncategorized by

When we’ve been connected for a long time to someone, we think we know each other. We do, of course, know a whole array of things about one another, but it’s really only when we tell our stories.

Those touching vignettes that embody our struggles, sweet moments, disappointments, or wild hopes and dreams, that our most real, most vulnerable selves are revealed. Indeed, if we don’t tell each other our stories, we’re all one-dimensional, blank screens on which we project our assumptions about one another.

Everybody has a story, and because we all do, when we hear each other’s stories, we feel suddenly connected. Story is the great river that runs though the human landscape, and our stories are the little creeks that flow through us all to join the river at its source. When you tell your story, however you open yourself to the level of fragility that, as human beings, we all share; for no matter how different our stories, at the bottom of them all is the well of pain from which we have each dipped a drought.

Tell him or her your story, tell them the most exciting moment, the greatest regret of your adult life, the most painful event in your childhood and you will discover, in-depth, a self you never knew. That’s because between the sentences of our stories the gist of things slips out, not merely the facts, but the feelings that have shaped us, the point, in anyone’s journey, from which there was no return.

For example, although you may be aware of your husband’s  fascination with architecture, you may not understand why he never pursued it, until you hear the story about the night their father got so angry at him for staying up late drawing that he broke all his drafting pencils, threw them in the trash, and raved, “Since you’re waiting time like that, you’re never going to get a cent to go to college.” or, you may know about your wife’s interest in the big dipper but not know where it came from, until she tells you the story about how when she was a little girl and she heard her parents downstairs arguing at night, she would lie in bed looking up at the Big Dipper until it seemed like the stars beamed their white light right into her room so she could finally go to sleep.

When you tell your personal tale, spinning and spinning, telling, retelling, the tight thread with which you have wrapped up your pain will gradually start loosening. and when you listen to her or his story, he or she will become, in the process of your listening, a fully formed human being. So tell each other your stories. They’re more than entertainment for the dinner table or a long ride in the car. They are your true selves, spelled out and spoken, brought forth in time and in your own language, a loving gift you give to each other.

Rediscover Harmony And Belonging

Posted in Uncategorized by

Belonging is the spiritual beauty of any intimate relationship. It is elegant coexistence, peaceful compatibility, a similarity of frequency. It’s knowing that you share the same view of the world, that what you want out of life runs along parallel lines. It’s looking at your beloved and being able to say to yourself, “We stand for the same things, don’t we? We may encounter some rough spots, but at heart we both share the same values and we always find our way back to harmony.” In relationship, belonging and harmony is a gift of the spirit. It is a mystic similarity of essence that allows you to operate both separately and together from the comfortable wellspring of knowing that between you there is a sacred resonance. In a sense, it’s the very reason you chose each other in the first place. If there weren’t a certain degree of belonging and harmony between you, you wouldn’t have thrown you lot in together and established a relationship.

When there’s belonging and harmony, you can feel it; it will add grace to all your undertakings, the rearing of your children, the way you conduct the actions of your daily life, the way you handle conflict, and what you perceive to be the underlying deep direction of your life.

Unfortunately to many demands can undermine the pleasant ground of any union’s harmoniousness and we can lose sight of our belonging feelings. Schedules, children, unexpected little assaults from others can make all us feel at times as if there’s no harmony or belonging between us.

Conversely, harmony is nurtured and restored by being lovingly remembered. So if the harmony is out of balance in your relationship, ask yourselves the following questions:
After all the fuss and fray, when the kids are in bed, when the disagreement is over, is the stream of our life together most of the time good? In general, can I give thanks for his or her presence in my life? Do I still know that I still belong to her or him?

In what ways are we at the core a complement, a mirror, a balance for one another? What things still give us pleasure together? What is the higher purpose of our relationship and what is our common undertaking?

If you have a hard time finding answers to these questions, take a good look at what’s compromising the harmony and feeling of belonging in your relationship. Is it something you can change? Is it circumstantial, your husband has been on the road for a month or is it an emotional issue that needs to be dealt with? What is the one thing you could do or say that would be a first step toward restoring harmony and the feelings of belonging?

Harmony and creating the feelings of belonging is the spiritual balance in any good relationship. So give thanks for the harmony you have, develop the harmony that’s missing, and nurture the harmony that ensures the feeling of belonging to your love.

Saying Wedding Vows Wouldn’t Change Him

Posted in Brides, Dreams, Life, Love, relationships, Romace by

A wedding is a wonderful day it’s a celebration of your love.  It’s a tying of the knot it’s the making of two lives into one. It’s a contact for life.

But as wonderful as a wedding may be it does not posses supernatural powers . 

The two people who get married are not going to be any different after they exchange wedding vows than they were before. That may seem obvious, yet it comes as a surprise to many people who believe that after they are married, they will be able to change their spouses into someone else.

Were it only so but it’s not people don’t change they may deviate from their norm a bit. They may say they’ll do better and they may make promises. They may give it the old college try but they won’t change. It’s not because they don’t want to it’s because they can’t. Some traits are just hard-wired into the brain. Some bodies won’t get smaller. Some people are so addicted that it takes them years to change and counting on such changes happening can lead to disappointment.

 So instead of thinking of your wedding day as the day your spouse becomes someone new think of it as the day you finally accept your spouse just the way her or she already is. Don’t enter into marriage expecting to change your spouse into a hard worker, a neatnik, a good dresser, a blond, a nonsmoker, a saver, a spender, a size smaller, a teetotaler, a person who only eyes for you if he or she has been unfaithful to you before you say your wedding vows.

If you buy a compact car it won’t turn into a SUV overnight in your garage, no matter how much you try to wish it would. Don’t expect your new spouse to similarly transform just because her or she walked down the aisle with you.

When your partner makes a change because it pleases you, it is really one of the ultimate signs of love. But if you tell your partner that you’re going to stop smoking, for example, and then you can’t. You’ve put your relationship at risk as well your health.  So don’t make rash promises in the name of love. It won’t make such promises any easier to keep, and it might make your life much tougher when you break them.

Don’t wait until you are blind-sided by sudden crises, tragedy or anger because the person you walked down the aisle with didn’t change. Don’t make promises you can’t keep make the changes before you walk down the aisle because the day you exchange vows doesn’t magical change your habits. Sometimes not exchanging vows until the two of you seek premarital counselling can prevent such crises.

 So don’t make rash promises in the name of love you can’t keep it makes life much tougher when you break them. Just talk to anyone who has ever exchanged wedding vows with good intentions and thought love would change their issues. Good Luck…

 

When We Accept What Is

Posted in Dreams, family, Family Values, Life, Love, relationships, Romace, Spiritual by

We usually mosey into relationships seeing their obvious possibilities, imagining specified outcomes, cocooning them with our own expectations.

But what actually occurs is often shockingly different from what we expected.

 The person you wanted to marry has a phobia about commitment. The woman you knew would make a great mother decides to go off to law school.

The suitor with the bottomless trust fund decides to give away all his money and live in a cave. Surprising revisions can happen on even at the simplest levels: “When I fell in love with him, he was wearing a black cashmere sweater and a pair of black dress pants; but after I married him, all he would wear was sweatshirts, his favorite sports hats and jeans.”

Expectations come in two forms: general and specific. General expectations have to do with our dreams and plans for a specific relationship that it will lead to marriage, that it will bring you children, that it will make you “happy.” Specific expectations have to do with what we think we can count on day-to-day – he’ll take out the trash, she’ll handle the kids in a way I approve of. On one level, these expectations are all quite reasonable;  it’s appropriate to have long-range plans and goals, and it’s legitimate to expect specific kinds of participation from your partner.

But when your relationship becomes a litany of failed expectations— what you hoped for but didn’t get—– its time to look at what’s happening from an entirely different perspective. Perhaps, instead of needing to “communicate better” or “negotiate your differences” on an emotional level, you’re being asked, on a spiritual level, to learn to accept what is.

Accepting — finding a way to be comfortable with things as they are—- is actually a very developed spiritual state. It means that you’re relinquished the preconceptions of your ego and surrendered to what’s been given to you. Maybe he’s not the provider you hoped for, but his spiritual strength is a constant inspiration; perhaps she’s not the housekeeper you wanted, but the way she nurtures your children is absolutely beautiful.

Acceptance allows your spirit to grow. When you’re able to recognize the little  miracles and great lessons that replace your expectations, you suddenly discover that what you hoped for— was pitifully puny compared to what was actually held in store for you. And in a way far more complex and elegant than you could have imagined, your life is following a sacred design. 

 So if you want a life that is larger than life and a relationship that is finer than even your wildest hopes, peel back your expectations and start to accept the good in what is.  (This only applies to mentally stable people.)

Leave The Kitchen Sink In The Kitchen When You Fight

Posted in Life, relationships, Women by

When you fight leave the kitchen sink in the kitchen. What that means is don’t just gratuitously throw in things that don’t belong in the current fight. Such as every complaint you’ve ever had since the history of time began something corroded and calcified from ten years ago, or the meanest below-the belt thing that you can possibly think of saying.

Kitchen-sink behavior isn’t profitable. It doesn’t do anything except fan the flames of contention and open an abyss of panic and pain for you partner. Once you’ve gotten the satisfaction of watching the kitchen sink fly by and crash into a wall, you may have a hard time cleaning up afterwards.

So no matter what you’re so furious about try to resist the temptation to let it all out or to let the devil take the hindmost. It’s important to stop and think before you let the other person have it. You might want to stop and ask yourself these questions.

 Do I really need to say this? This is, does this horrible, angry, vituperative, and character-blasting thing really need to be said?  Will it improve the immediate situation? Is there anything useful to be gained from saying extreme statements?  Such as your sex life is awful now and it has been for the past ten years? Will this or similar remarks speed up the other person’s growth and maturity or your own, or is saying it just the indulgence of revved-up emotions that want release?

  Do I really need to say that now?  The diatribe you wants to indulge in some very valuable points that really need to be expressed stop and think is this the time to make them? Will you set off a furor or engender a useful response?

Before you fire your verbal machine gun it’s important to investigate the maturity of your emotions output.  Just because you feel like saying something doesn’t mean it has to be said in the way or exactly the moment that you feel like saying it. Remember your relationship will last rather than erode or be destroyed it’s all in the words that you speak it’s up to you.

Be An Artist Of Love

Posted in Life, Love, relationships, Romace, Women by

Some days you may push love aside. Other times love may push you around. Just make certain in your heart and head that you are working in unison when creating your canvas of love.

Since you “fall” in love, many people treat love as if it were some strange best over which they have no control. But you have more say over your emotions than you think.

Put a sad movie in your DVD player and you’ll cry. Listen or dance to your favorite song on your iPod and your spirits will pick up. You can have a similar effect on the setting of your love dial. While love can be overwhelming at times, or so subtle you can’t tell it’s there, that doesn’t absolve you from honing your skills as a lover. The best lovers have the most control, not least. Even if you’re head over heels in love, you should keep some control, or you risk driving away the person you adore. There are times to go overboard and other times to bank that excess love.

And at the other extreme, if your schedule is crammed twenty-fours a  day, you can’t forget that you have a partner who has needs that must be met. Sure, there are days when you can take out a loan that you promise to pay back in interest, but you can also overextend that type of credit and wind up bankrupt.

 A painter mixes colors to come up with various shades. You must do the same because even love can be boring if it becomes too monotone. So some days, even if you’re not feeling overly romantic, tune up the heat. Shout “I love you” across the room. Put a little more oomph into that hug. Not only will your partner appreciate your use of the brighter colors in your palette, but will probably change your mood as well. You don’t need special skills to learn to be an artist of love. You just need to always be aware that you are a lover at heart.

A Superstitious Bride…

Posted in Brides, Life, Love, Romace, Spiritual, traditions, Women by

Being superstitions: Is the belief that an object or an action will have influence on one’s life.  Many brides believe that she can ensure good luck in her marriage by wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

  As we were preparing for my wedding my girlfriends and I read many books and bride      magazines.

 The one recurring theme was that wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue would ensure good luck in a marriage. After reading that we decided that the only way to break the “Gary” curse and to ensure good luck in my marriage was to wear a lot of the color blue. The reasoning behind this was because a number of women in my family and life had either fallen in love or married men named Gary and they didn’t have good luck.

 The something borrowed was my grandmothers engagement ring. (My dad’s mother). Which I returned to her a few months later. We picked her ring because I loved her my grandparents and they were married longer than anyone we knew. They ended up being happily married for over sixty years The something new was a blue and white lace garter given to me by my friend Gale. It was new and blue so we figured that would count for double luck.                     

 To ensure good luck for sure “ The something blue” was going to have to be my wedding dress. Our guests where surprised that I didn’t wear a traditional white wedding dress. We didn’t care about what people thought because after all a bride needs all the good luck she can get doesn’t she?  That was forty years ago and I still get comments about a young bride who dared to wear a blue wedding dress.