Category Archives: Love

“Two Special Women In One Man’s Life”

Posted in Daughtrer-In-Laws, family, Family Values, friendships, generational changes, Life, Love, Mentoring, Moms, Mother-In-Laws, Parenting, Planning A Wedding, Psychology, relationships, Romace, traditions, Weddings, Women by

Since the beginning of time loving brides and grooms have had the privilege of picking out their life partners. However, it’s a different story for the groom’s mother when she becomes partners fused together with her daughter in law after the “I Do’s.”  Mother in-laws have shared that at first they find their new role was a daunting challenge especially if she wasn’t consulted or didn’t give her consent. But it’s a challenge that can be overcome the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is without question is like a complicated dance.

Yet, by the very nature of the relationship, the two are expected to immediately move freely and beautifully in synchronized harmony. Rarely is this connectedness and closeness realized overnight. He does, She does but what about you, the mother of the groom can you take her? The candles are lit, the room grows with a soft yellow hue, the groom, the pastor, and the wedding party are in place at the altar.  As all eyes eagerly watch the closed-door at the chapel’s entrance, suddenly the air is changed from the sweet stillness of anticipation to the first notes of the beautiful music chosen for the wedding processional. As the doors swing open, the bride’s heart races at the sound of the melodic cue to make that long-awaited, slow walk down the aisle of matrimony.

But as the song plays, the lovely bride does not realize that she is not the only lady in the room who has been cued by the music. Her mother-in-law to-be is also called to respond to the melody! While the young woman in white moves gracefully with the music toward her chosen one, the song calls the mother of the groom to graciously step to the side. In reality, the wedding processional is not just for the bride, it is also a cue for a lifelong dance to begin for two special women in one man’s life.

How true it is that so much changes for a family when the adult children fall in love and marry. Suddenly that are new members who, by decree of law and circumstance, are expected to be embraced and included into the fold. By all means, the challenge is a daunting one, especially for mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. The daughter-in-law who may have chosen to join with her husband in holy matrimony has to face the challenge of being joined in holy matrimony has to face the challenge of being joined in a holy alliance with the rest of his family. By the sheer nature of the relationship she is expected to melt into a household of family members that are often unfamiliar and at times very different from her family of origin.

The reality is that every holiday, every special occasion, even the continuance for the coming generations pivot on the choice to unite families through marriage. Whether the parents-in-law or the adult children realize it or not, the choices that are made are life-altering for the entire family. For most parents, the grace to love and enfold those new family members by law is a mere continuum of the parental love they enjoy with own kids. However, there are those situations that may require an attitude adjustment. What does a parent do when their child’s preference of a mate is contrary to their personality or taste?  Or what if the offspring ventures outside of their culture, social class, or religion? Is is possible to accept and even cherish the chosen one when they are an unnatural fit? And what about the daughter-in-law? What is she supposed to do when she’s thrust into a new family that may already established traditions, modes of interactions, and common activities that perhaps she doesn’t readily accept or enjoy? She, along with her mother-in-law, can find comfort in knowing that they are not the first to venture out on that sometimes slippery dance floor.

My friend Jane had always dreamed of the day when she would fully embrace a daughter-in-law with the same energy and vitality  with which she loved her own daughter. The two of them always had best of times, they could shop-till-they-dropped with the best of them. Their home was full of the two of them laughter and talking throughout the house when they were together. To Jane’s thinking, adding a daughter-in-law simply ment one more girl with whom to chum around. However Jane’s daughter-in-law was not like Jane’s daughter. She didn’t readily laugh a lot, and she seemed to always isolate herself from the rest of the family. For instance, when the other women were in the kitchen preparing the meal for a family gathering Jane’s daughter in law would sit all alone in the living room quietly leafing through a magazine.

I asked, Jane if she encouraged her to join them and her answer demonstrated the patient wisdom she possessed. Jane replied,  “No.”  As much as I would love for her to feel comfortable being with me and the rest of my  family, I’ve decided to give her space enough to choose whether she stays in the living room or comes into the kitchen. For too long, she’s had someone telling her what to do, and when she didn’t do it fast enough, she was punished. Jane didn’t want to be another person demanding to have their way.

Jane went on to say, I love her and I believe in time she will feel that love. Until then, I will continue to be patient and understanding. “She’s a wonderful wife to my son and that’s all she owes me.” My friend Jane might have selected a different life-partner  for her son when Jane found out that her son was marrying a woman who had a bad life and had been previously married to a man who beat her and her child but instead she decided to love, respect and except her daughter in law the results were amazing.

 Jane learned valuable lessons over the past few years as she has invested into her daughter-in-law. The two women have since grown amazingly close and continue to do so. Jane’s  understanding and kindness has been instrumental in healing hurts of a lovely young women. Jane did it right, and she has reaped the joyous benefits of her choices.  As you establish a rhythm of love and grace, you’ll find that you and your daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law can dance a loving and joyful dance too!

Would Your Rather Clean Your House Than Spend The Day With Your Mother In Law?

Posted in Daughtrer-In-Laws, Dreams, family, Family Values, friendships, generational changes, grandkids, Life, Love, Marriage, Mother-In-Laws, Psychology, relationships, Uncategorized, Women by

 Would you rather clean your house than spend the day with your mother in law? A survey by iVillage in 2010 found that 51% of DILs (daughter-in-laws) said, they would rather spend the day cleaning their house than with their MIL ( mother in law); and 28% percent they’d rather have a root canal! A Cambridge University study of hundreds of families over a twenty-year period found that more than 60 percent of the women said, their relationship with their mother-in-law was stressful for them! Daughter-in-laws had a chance to vent about  their mother-in-laws and grandmother in-laws. The answers were immediate, intense, and anxious often saying, “What ever you do, maintain my anonymity. 

They might not apply to you at all, but it’s good to get a window into what DILs are thinking. If you’re sure you want to know what they said, here’s what they said… Thanks, but no thanks when it comes to parenting advice. They want to raise their kids their own way and make their own mistakes. The story you tell about how your son loves your home-baked deserts that you tell just as your daughter in-law brings out the cake she bought at the bakery is an example of a mother in law being passive-aggressive in her  behavior and if you are a mother in law you may be surprised to be told you are still being aggressive even if you are being subtle stop it!  Let’s stop standing on ceremony.

 One daughter in law said, it bothered  her mother in law when she didn’t send her a thank-you note for the baby’s birthday present. She though of her as family and felt like saying, to her mother in law, ” I am not the rude ingrate that you think I am and yes, I am good enough for your son”. It’s sweet that you think your son is so perfect, as long as you also understand that I’m perfect for him. DILs would appreciate it if  their MILs would ask them for some gift ideas and respect the limits  for birthdays and holidays.

They know that they are not like their mother in-laws. But that doesn’t mean they don’t respect the heck out of them.  Remember, she married your son knowing full well that “She married the whole family.” All this  Mother in law business is not a great mystery to daughter in-laws because after all they understand that  their mother in law was the first woman in her husband’s life and have known him longer (and maybe better) than she does. She has taken care of him… and did it very well.  She may be expecting to share holidays and all special occasions with her son’s wife and  family.

The mother in law has her own relationship with her children…the grandchildren and she will usually take her son’s side… even if she doesn’t say so aloud.You can decrease the issues somewhat and sometimes but not all the time. If  you are a mother in law you may be saying to yourself why brother? The answer is simply, you try your best for your grandchildren! You may wonder why should you make the first move? For your grandchildren’s sake that is why! Why let things pass? For your grandchildren that’s why! Let’s start with a few suggestions: See what your daughter-in-law is like with other people, and don’t expect her to be different with you.

On the other hand if she is kind and considerate to other family members and her close friends and not to you. There’s your answer, she doesn’t really like you but you still have to be kind to her for your grandchildren sake! Treat your daughter-in-law with the same patience and politeness you show your own daughter or your close friends or even new acquaintances. The odds are that your daughter-in-law will not have the same kind of personality as your daughter or your close friends because they are like you so go for new acquaintances.

If things get really tough, pretend you’re writing a movie and become an observer instead of participant… it will help to give you psychological distance and enough emotional breathing room to feel in control of your emotions, and sometimes a laugh. Look at the up side of this one you could end up writing a book or a movie script or just feel better and don’t forget to vent with all the other mother in-laws who are in the same boat. Remember you’re not alone just take a few minutes and read any book about DILs and MILs.

 You may be surprised to learn that there are many of blogs used for DILs or MILs as a place to vent. Take a look on-line there are thousands of  women venting about the women in their lives. The most important thing to remember is keep your sense of humor and pray, pray and then pray some more. Want to calm the stormy seas? Here are some tips: Never, never, never…say, “My son is right. Never say, “I think you should. Never say, “I just assumed that…”  You may be asking yourself is there anything we should say? Here are a few suggestions from seasoned mother-in-laws and grandparents…

Tell her stories about your son that will amuse her and interest her and not stories that will make her feel that you think he’s perfect. Make sure you say positive reinforcement statements and yes that can be a challenge when you know in your heart of hearts that she doesn’t like you or resents you but do it for the grandchildren. Say positive statements, like “I respect how you’re raising your kids.” They may not do things the way you did, but it’s a different world today. Find something positive to say that will ring true. Offer to do the dishes or the laundry… or make dinner, be there to help. Don’t be surprised if she tells you “know” that she prefers to it herself it’s an ego issue.  Try saying things like,” Don’t worry; you’re wonderful parents.” They’re probably nervous about every decision they make, and those kind words can make them feel so great and so warm toward you! Your children are wonderful.” All kids go through difficult stages. Tell her your kids did, and they turned out great.

“I’m here if you need me.” You know they’re up on all the latest information about child safety, diet, and development. Just let them know that if they want your advice, they can ask for it and you’ll be happy to share it. Daughter-in-laws usually turn to their mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts before they’ll ask their mother-in-law. Oops! Does that sting? “Keep in mind that all parents feel insecure sometimes.” Parenting can be learned only on the job, and not matter how many blogs and books they read or experts they consult or even if they ask for advice from you, nobody knows their child as they do.

In the Bible, Ruth praise, respects, and loves her mother-in-law, Naomi. Although some of your friends or maybe even you think that your daughter in law (DIL ) feels the same way, most say they are not as lucky as Naomi. They describe their mother in law/daughter in law relationships as one of the most sensitive and complicated relationships they’ve ever had. But at the same time, they know in fact we all know it’s one of the most important relationships we’ll ever have, because if we don’t have a working relationship with our daughter in-laws, we won’t have a relationship that works with our grandchildren! So if you have an excellent relationship with your daughter in law cherish it! And if you don’t, there are things you can do to improve it, the first step is to pray about it and talk to a seasoned mother in-law you respect.

“Gettin’ Hitched The Country Way”

Posted in Brides, Brides and Grooms, Humor, Life, Love, Marriage, Planning A Wedding, relationships, Romace, Weddings by

                                                                                                     

 Country folk paint their sentences in the most vivid and original analogies when it comes to what love is and isn’t. They sew simple words of emotion into quilts of truisms, and season their language with zesty wit and biting rage. There is always an element of truth in these beliefs from the nation’s backwoods and front porches,  reflecting a way of thinking that can touch us all in different ways. 

Those wonderful down-home folks of the farms, mountains, and ranges of America have had plenty to say about love, marriage, breakups, and heartache. If you’ve been smitten by Cupid, you’ll enjoy a few of these country love sayings they are as tender and sweet as honey-dipped chicken wings. You’ll see for yourself that when it comes to romance, the denizens of the hollows, hamlets, and hinterlands of America have their own charming, inventive ways of speaking from the heart.

But heaven help you if you cross them, because there’s another side to country talk that is a furious flurry of poison-tipped barbs aimed at cheaters, ner’er-do-wells, and cads who have broken lovers’ hearts.  If you’re suffering from heartache or you’re seeking revenge over a romance turned sour, you’ll find plenty of boonies-born saying that are as fiery and spicy as chile peppers dipped in homemade horseradish. The sayings have emerged from virtually every nook and cranny of America from lovey-dovey places like Romance, to Arkansas; Sweet lips, Tennessee;   Bridal Veil, Oregon; Matrimony, North Carolina; Valentine, Nebraska; Loving, Oklahoma; and Hearts Content, Pennsylvania. let’s not leave out a few auguished-sounding places like Bitter End, Tennessee; Screamerville, Virginia; Hell Hollow, New Hampshire; Bedlam, Connecticut; Loveless, Alabama; Heartease, Mississippi: Little Hope, Texas; and Farewell, Missouri.

Musins’ About Weddings…

About the beautiful bride, you might say… Grace was in her steps, heaven in her eyes. About the happy groom, you might say… I’m plumb tickled to death to be walkin’ down the aisle of love. The sweet ceremony in describing what a loving and emotional wedding it was you might say… It’d bring a tear to a glass eye. The amazing ceremony, if you’re enjoying the best wedding you’re ever attended, you might say… I’ve been to three country fairs and a  hog butcherin’ but I ain’t never seen notin’  like this before. The happy newlyweds, as you happily walk together out of the church on your wedding day, you might say… I’ve got the world by the tail with a downhill pull. Wedding Sympathy, when seeing the groom walk into the church, you might say… Well, that’s the last real decision he’ll ever make.  

“OLD WIVES  TALES”   

Vows sweetly spoken won’t ever be broken. A lovely day, a lovely bride.  A weepin’ bride will be a laughin’ wife.  A laughin’ bride will be a weepin’ wife. Marry in May, rue the day. Marry  in white, always be right. Mary in blue, always be true.  Marry in brown, live in town.  Mary in black, don’t look back. Marry in green and never be seen. Marry in red, be loved for who you are.

” The Bride Made A Better Offer”

During the wedding rehearsal, John the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer: “I’ll give you one hundred bucks if you’ll change the weddin’ vows.” “What you get ot the part where I’m supposed to promise and love, honor, obey and be faithful to her forever, just leave that part out.”  The next day at the ceremony, when it came time for the groom’s vows. The preacher looked John in the eye and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not even look at another woman for as long as you both shall live?”

Stunned speechless, John gulped and looked around as all eyes were on him. Feeling totally betrayed and too afraid to bolt from the altar, he squeaked out, “I will.” When the ceremony was over, the groom, whose shock had turned to anger, pulled the preacher aside and, through clenched teeth, hissed, I thought we had a deal. We did admitted the preacher as he returned the hundred dollars that John had bribed him with and whispered in John’s ear, the bride made me a better offer to change the vows.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 You don’t have to live in lovey-dovey places like Romance, Arkansas or Sweet Lips, Tennessee to enjoy some down home country jokes and stories that have captured the joy of spoonin’, courtin’, gettin’ hitched, and havin’ relations as well as sorrow and rage of gettin’ ditched and gettin’even ones. But you can enjoy romance and gettin hitched the country way no matter where you live in America.

“When Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy!”

Posted in Chidren, family, Family Values, generational changes, grandkids, Grandparenting, Life, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Psychology, Quotes, relationships, Romace, Women by

Many couples are putting their children at the center of the family. This doesn’t sound like a bad thing, after all, aren’t your grandchildren the apple of your eye too? But when parents put their children ahead of  their own needs, ahead of their marriage, it may seem child friendly, but it can lead to complications.

When children are the absolute center of the family, they can grow up without boundaries. This can lead to demanding, entitled kids. Who become demanding, entitled adults. You might have a friend or two who are demanding and they can be difficult to get along with. Can’t they? 

 No one wants their children or grandchildren to turn out to be demanding. Do they? Some acting out might be all right for a child, but future bosses, spouses and friends will probably not be so tolerant. Will they? Furthermore, being the center of the family is too much pressure for most children. Children cannot fulfill all their parents‘ emotional needs and it’s not fair to expect them to. Children in this position often feel they need to parent their parents and that’s not their job. Actually, it’s your job to be there for your children when they are parents.

Remind them to make time for themselves, their spouses and friends if you want to be helpful offer to babysit so they can have a date night or weekend getaway, and you’ll get to spend extra time with your grandchildren.  Bob and Jane being the wise parents and grandparents that they are, offered to babysit their grandchildren while Jim and  Lynn went out on the town.  As Lynn was leaving, she told her children to listen to Nana and Pops and then gave them a kiss on the cheek and thanked her parents.

Well, Bob winked at Lynn while reminding her of this old saying,”When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” Bob’s point was that couples need to spend time together just the two of  them and keep the romance going.  Now Jim plans romantic surprise date nights at least twice a month and all Lynn has to do is show up . Jim and Lynn are feeling reconnected and Nana and Pops are “Happy Grands.” Jim agrees with Bob “When Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy!

A Life Time Of Walking Together

Posted in Brides and Grooms, Life, Love, Marriage, relationships, Romace, summer, Women by

Every wish I’ve ever wished for and every hope I’ve ever had, mixed with every dream I’ve ever dreamed came true the day I met you!  I love you more than there are stars in the sky.  Sharon and David were married for over sixty years their love story is about a walk in the summer time turned into a life time of walking through many seasons together.

Sharon: I have a twin sister, Karen and you have a twin brother Danny. When we met we were sixteen and a half, and we were waitresses in a hotel. You and Danny were musicians in a band and we thought you were handsome, which you still are.

David: At first, you and your sister couldn’t tell us apart and we couldn’t tell you two apart. Do you remember how you decided on which one you were going with?

Sharon: We said, with whomever asked us to go for a walk first and you asked me first. After that when ever you and Danny came in to eat you always asked for me, you never asked for Karen.  Lo and behold, we ended up dating and marring.  Karen went for a walk with Danny; she married him. Lucky us, because I don’t think it would’ve worked the other way.You were tall and handsome. And to me, being a musician made you glamorous and sexy, automatically. You took me out for my seventeenth birthday. We saw, Oklahoma on Broadway. I had never dated anyone else, but from then on I  knew I loved you, and there was no chance of separating us.

David: We didn’t skip a beat we went right from a summer romance into the winter, and on and on.

Sharon: We were married in Borough Park, Brooklyn. You and I married the same day as Karen and Danny it was quite a big affair, two brides, two grooms,  identical gowns, flowers and one set of parents for two brides.

David: We both went on our honeymoon by train to Miami Beach, but we went on different trains and to different hotels, so people wouldn’t stare at us. What did you think about marrying me so many years ago? Did you think it would last this many years?

Sharon: I never thought my marriage would last this many years because to me divorce was not a foreign word, if you remember, David, my mother was a divorced woman when she in her thirties. But I was sure you were the right one for me. And you know what?  I was right. You are the right one for me. I like the way you kiss.You  bowled me over sixty-some odd years ago with your way of kissing, and the way you  fantastically hold me, and I feel it . It’s genuine.

David: You’ve told me that many times, but it still makes me feel great to hear you say that, honey!

Sharon: There are times we can be so annoyed at each other and we get up set at each other but when push comes to shove, we let it go.  And we’re back to our normal selves, because being unhappy is part of being happy. When two people get married,  they say two people become one. No, I don’t agree. Two people should remain two people but walk side by side. I’ve not become David. David has not become me. We remain Sharon and David. And to me that’s important.

David said, to Karen, you made my life complete and  I pray that we will have sixty more years together.

Sharon said,to David, I will  take five more good ones  and I’ll say, “Thank you, God!” 

Recorded in Brooklyn, New York on May 15th,  Sharon, 80 and David, 86

Love Blooms In New York

Posted in Brides and Grooms, Life, Love, Marriage, relationships, Romace by

Scott was across the room and their eyes met. Soon they communicated with words and their body language, but it was their eyes that made the first contact.

Scott was single and feeling lonely on New’s Years Eve. He was living in the Bronx and he was on his way to party in Manhattan, but at the last-minute he felt restless, so he wondered the streets of Manhattan.

After hours of wondering he decided to go into “The Paris Cafe”, and he happened to look over at a corner table, and there was this ravishing beautiful woman sitting by herself, wearing a beautiful dress with Audrey Hepburn gloves and her hair was all done up making eye contact with him.

He approached her and introduced himself and she invited him to join her. After enjoying a New Years Eve’s toast to bring in 1992, they wandered around the Lower East Side and talked all night together. Her name was Isabela and she from San Fransisco. The next day Scott wanted to spend time with her so he drove her to the airport and they stayed in the parking lot for a couple of hours, like they were at a drive-in talking.

They kept in touch by writing letters, and then they started making cassette tapes. He commuted into Manhattan, and he had a little Walkman, so on those one-hour commutes into town he would just interview anybody he saw. He interviewed the brakeman on the subway, He’d say, “I know this girl in San Francisco I really dig, and I’d like you to say hello to her.” He played the song ” I left my heart in San Fransisco” by Tony Bennet more times than he will ever admit.  He was just sharing the joyful feelings that he had for her with the world. He sent them to her as a surprise and she started interviewing people too and sent them to him.

She started interviewing strangers to say something into her recorder, the coffee grinders, newspaper delivery guys and once in a while ambulance drivers. When she couldn’t find a stranger she enlisted help from her family, friends and co-workers. Everyone she knew or had just met started following her love story and cheering her on. Scott and Isabela found themselves playing their recording other over and over. They were courting each other form such a long distance, so playing them was comforting. Scott could only hear voices so he imaged the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. He would think about how beautiful San Francisco was and try to imagine what it would be like to be there.

They started to send each other things they wanted to share, keepsakes, books,songs, small gifts. She knew he was smitten with her when he sent her his grandmothers toaster, and there was a card with it that said, ” I hope some day I’ll be there with you so I can toast your buns for you.”She used to reread the letters he sent her a lot, and of course she used the toaster . And then he sent her salt and pepper shakers from his grandma too. Isabel wondered if he was gradually moving in with her without her knowing it. Her favorite song become New York, New York by Frank Sinatra everywhere she went she would be singing  these words, “start spending the news I’m leaving today I want to be a part of it, New York, New York.” .

In April, Scott surprised her by visiting her for two weeks and on the plane back, he said, This is it! This is the girl. But he didn’t know, how they would make it work? Then over the phone he said, to her I’m moving to San Fransisco in two months. It was really just the most incredible experience, going all that way and knowing that he was going to see this beautiful girl that he had fallen love with.  He wondered was there really the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for them?  In a six month period they had become best of friends through writing letters, tapes and phone calls.

One night at a dinner party one of Isabela’s friends said to Scoot , ” Not all Girlfriends want to be girlfriends forever, you know.” That’s when a lightbulb came on for Scott: “Oh, I should ask her to marry me?  She nodded and said, happiness is happiness. Scott excused himself and went up to Isabela and purposed to her and they were married two months later.Scott and Isabela just celebrated their twentieth wedding anniversary and are happy to report they still use grandma’s toaster. This is a true story.

Celebrate And Rejoice In The Moment

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, Psychology, relationships, Romace, Spiritual by

  Celebrating and rejoicing is feeling joy, allowing the feelings of exhilaration and delight to enter your being and fill you with a fine,ecstatic sense of celebration. We all need to rejoice, to slather ourselves with exultation, because life if hard and at times our paths are very difficult. 

We need to rejoice because there isn’t enough rejoicing in the world. And we need to rejoice together because, in this world of self-indulgent  and nonstop competitive people, it’s often hard to find a kindred soul with whom to rejoice with.

Rejoicing is empathy at the encouraging end of the spectrum: and, although you may think it’s easier to rejoice than to commiserate with someone, rejoicing, too can be difficult.

As a matter of fact, a lot of people feel so defeated in their own lives that instead of being able to celebrate with anyone else, they feel jealousy or self-pity.

Indeed, unless you’ve really been able to feel your own joy, you may have a difficult time rejoicing, even with the love of your life. So, in order to truly rejoice with someone you must allow yourself to rejoice first of all in your own life, about all the things that delight you, that brighten your day, that makes your heart glad. Celebrate your victories: exult your own achievements. Then you’ll be well prepared to really rejoice with your sweetheart, family and friends.

Rejoicing together is breathing in joy, being together in the beauty of the moment (of soul washing tears, of life is breathing in joy,  in the hour of unbridled happiness, of sweet or stunning success. It is to be the loving witness at the epiphany of a talent (his book, her photography show, his all-star game, her tennis match, to celebrate special occasions: birthdays, anniversaries, lifetime achievement awards. It is also to rejoice in all the cycles of your life.

Rejoice in the times and years you have shared with loved ones and friends, crises you have lived through, reunions that rekindled your friendships, and even all the disagreements you have had with your sweetheart and loved ones and their healing resolutions. We must rejoice together because joy begets itself. It brings us more joy, more hilarity, and fun. So one by one, and above all, together rejoice!

The Mother In Law Relationship Is Complicated

Posted in Chidren, Daughtrer-In-Laws, Divorce, family, generational changes, Life, Love, Marriage, Moms, Mother-In-Laws, Parenting, Psychology, relationships, Women by

The conflicts between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws is still going on it has raged throughout all of history. Nearly 2000 B.C. Rebekah complained to her husband, Isaac, that her daughters-in-law were making her life so miserable that she would rather not even be alive. Read Genesis 27:46).

Today, some 4,000 years later, women are still complaining to their husbands about these women! Mother-in-laws are still wondering why out of all the human relationships, the one between them and their daughter-in-laws is the most complicated? Second only to step relationships of course.

There is a built-in-conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. The daughter in law will see him first as a man; while the mother in law will always see him first as her child.The mother in law comes into the relationship lugging a suitcase bulging with memories. From the sweetness of babyhood through the tyranny of the teen years into adulthood, these memories have indelibly imprinted her heart. She enters into this life phase acutely aware of a door closing in her life as a mother.

The daughter in law comes waltzing in with a suite case empty of everything but confidence and anticipation. She’s eager to swing open the new door and march in and there lies the basis for struggle. Both the mother in law and the daughter in law are naturally territorial when it comes to their family. Standing in the middle of  these two overlapping territories is a man who is the son of one and husband to the other. It’s in everyone’s interest for the son to step out of the overlapping territory and fully into his wife’s territory and the sooner he does this the better.

The parental relationship is secondary to the spousal relationship, yet the bond between a mother and her child is visceral. The phase “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” refers to husband and wife, yet there is little doubt a mother holding her child in her arms feels more “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” toward her child than she does toward her husband. Again, the basis for conflict between a man’s mother and his wife.

This motherly feeling of “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh” had been the source of much marital conflict: a mother consciously or unconsciously placing her child before her husband, magnifying her connection to their child. Even the court system typically give more value to the mother-child relationship.

The undeniable connection can easily cause a mother to overstep her territory and interfere with the process of her adult son transferring thus-far primary relationship, the one he has with her  to the one needs to form with his wife. If you are a mother of a son, you fully understand this tendency, because there is a powerful bond between mother and son. A man’s first significant relationship is with his mother. That bond, forged at birth, leaves a permanent imprint on both mother and son. Even if the relationship is broken, it continues to significantly impact both lives. This powerful attachment between mother and son needs to be and must be reassigned when the son introduces another woman into the picture.

Here is a scenario to consider “Suppose your son, yourself and your daughter in law were in a boat together. If the boat capsized and you and your daughter in law were both drowning, who should he save?  You might be saying to yourself, ” A man can always get another wife, but he has only one mother.”  or a daughter in law might be thinking to herself,” well his mother is old any way.” Now, now is that anyway to be thinking?

As a mother you should want your son to have a strong and healthy relationship with his wife. A mother who wants to maintain a close relationship with her son, who truly has his best interests in mind, must willingly step back and fully acknowledge and respect the relationship he is forming with his wife.

Whether she likes the woman or not. There is nothing to be gained, and much to be lost, by allowing competition to into the in law relationship. While the mother may not view her behavior as being competitive, the truth is that anything she does to maintain her status as the first woman,” whether consciously or unconsciously, will be viewed by the daughter in law as competition.

 Sometimes completely innocent behavior on the mother’s part will be wrongly interpreted this way. Knowing, this the wise mother will refuse to take offense and will carefully watch her behavior until he daughter-in-law is secure in her position. 

 Five years ago my friend Jane’s son  David married a terrific gal named Liz and on the day of their wedding Jane’s mother in law shared some advice with Jane. She said, that she chose to forget everything she had ever knew about her son and let her daughter in law discover him for herself. As any mother can image that is not easy to do. Is it? Jane and her mother in law are truly friends and enjoy each others company.

 Jane, decided  she wanted to have the same kind of relationship with her daughter in law so she decided to take her mother in laws advice and chose to forget everything she ever knew about her son David and let Liz discover him for herself.” It was a choice that has richly rewarded Jane over and over and over again. She said ,she loves how excited Liz gets when she learns something knew about David and Jane enjoys Liz’s excitement,friendship plus she completely understands why her son loves his wife as much as he does.

A successful relationship with your in-law does not necessarily mean you become best friends. It doesn’t necessarily mean enjoying lunch dates or shopping together like Jane and Liz do. Success is simply determining to live peaceably with her by any means. Success is getting up every morning and determining to leave the past in the past. Whatever your history is with your in-law find a way to make admins and move on.

Success is recognizing that at the center of your conflict is a man you both love, children you both love, and finding a way to make room for each of you to benefit from and express that shared love.
Success is consistently acting in love and letting go of the negative emotions you may have toward your in-law,start refusing to let those emotions color the quality of your life for one more minute.

Your love is like a garden, and unless you tend to it, you’ll never reap the full rewards that love can bring.

 

Consecrate Your Relationship

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, relationships, Romace, Spiritual, traditions by

A relationship is always far more than we imagine or expect it to be. It is more than an a living arrangement, more than being together in a social arrangement, more than the bright-colored kite tail of romance.

It is the coming together of two persons whose spirits participate with one another, beautifully and painfully, in the inexorable  process of their individual becoming.

Whether it is clearly visible or not, every relationship has a higher power than itself alone, a meaning that goes beyond the conventions of love and romance, and attaches the two people in it to a destiny that has roots in the past, and wings in the future.

This purpose is to shape us individually into the highest and best versions of ourselves and to change, if only some tiny way, the essential character of the reality we have entered here by being born. To know this is to believe that whatever occurs between you such as the petty dramas and traumas, the life shaping tragedies is honing you for your unique participation in the human stream. It is to accept that the person you love has come into your life for a reason that goes beyond the satisfactions of the moment or even your personal future to reach into the web beyond time.

What you do here together, how well and how beautifully you do it, has implications not only for how cozily you sit together in your rocking chairs in your old age, but also for every other living being. We are all participants in the process of creating a species and a world that hums with  peace and is informed by love. This is our highest heritage, and when we sanctify our relationships, the difficulties and insults they contain will be instantly diminished and what will stand in their place is the overwhelming presence of real love.

Sanctifying your relationship means seeing it not as an act of self-indulgence, but as an offering of love that you deliver up with joy to the fulfilment of its higher meaning. This entails not only an attitude of acceptance but also two behaviors: making speech and keeping silence.

It means verbally acknowledging this higher truth to one another: “Thank you for being the instrument for the  discovery of my purpose,” I know we have come together for an important reason.” I love you for being my way to see the holiness of life.”

 At times it also means keeping the silence in your heart, which is a thanksgiving of this higher purpose,or engaging together in a practice of meditation, which is a walking together in spirit, a prayer that your purpose together is revealed.You love is a stitch in the fabric of the All. To see it as such is to place your relationship in the ultimate perspective and to receive from it the ultimate joy.

We all need the paths of our lives to be marked out so that we can be reminded of the quality of our lives and the beauty of our loves. We dignify and consecrate our relationships when we set them apart from the ordinary ritual. Personal rituals provide a reference not only for the value we place upon our relationships, but also for the value we ask be conferred upon them.

Relationship ceremonies say that, this day is not like all other days, this person is not like all the other people; this love is not like all other loves. Not only in our hearts but also in our actions, we intend it to be a union of meaning, with allegiance to a valuable mission. The consecration of your relationship is a creative and deeply private affair.

Set aside for a special time to acknowledge your union, your wedding anniversary perhaps; choose a specific place to honor it; and create your own private ceremony. Light candles, say words, play music. Consecrating your relationship is the sign. repeated and beautiful, that you choose to view your relationship as holy, as no mistake, and that you intend, through it and with your beloved as your witness, always to live it to the highest of its purpose.

A Few Tips For Brides

Posted in Brides, Brides and Grooms, Dreams, family, Getting Organized, Keepsakes, Life, Love, Marriage, Planning A Wedding, relationships, Spiritual, Weddings, Women by

By the time the first note of the bridal march is played, thousands of decisions have been made, for better or for worse. Knowing what to do and what not to do can help you to avoid missteps so you can make the most of your perfect day. There are many details involved in making your wedding a success, and careful attention should be paid to all of them, big and small.  Begin by getting an overview of all tasks ahead of you.

Here are a few reminders of what to do and what not to do while on your jounery to the altar.

What Not to Do?

  1.  Do not try to please others by doing your wedding as they suggest. It’s your wedding. Do it your way.
  2. Do not make major decisions with consulting your fiance’ (e).
  3. Do not discuss the details of your budget with other people. Unless they are helping to finance the event, the details are not their concern.
  4. Do not expect service providers to work for unreasonably low prices. Get the best deals you can, but be willing to pay appropriately for people’s time and efforts.
  5. Do not forget that everything will go perfectly. There are bound to be glitches, but you can deal with them.
  6. Do not make spur-of-the moment decisions about anything. Take time to consider everything carefully.
  7. Do not be rigid with your plans. Try to be flexible when possible.
  8. Do not spend so much on the wedding that you enter your new marriage heavily in debt.
  9. Do not make unreasonable demands of all the people helping you make your plans.
  10. Do not use your wedding as a time to highlight and perpetuate family differences.
  11. Do not allow differences of opinion about wedding details to come between you and your fiance’.
  12. Do not neglect your relationship with your fiance’ as you get caught up in planning the wedding.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           What to Do?

  1. Leave enough time to handle all the unexpected details.
  2. Start at the beginning by getting a game plan.
  3. Don’t forget one of the most important things to do, “seek out pre marriage counseling” with a professional that you and your fiance’ trust and rremember that the marriage is the most important thing, not the wedding.
  4. The wedding party is an important feature of the wedding begin to think about who should be part of this select group.
  5. Take advantage of a professional wedding planner if possible. It will take some of the burden off your shoulders, and will leave you time to deal with other details that only you can handle.
  6. Ask professionals who will be helping you how much time they will need to get everything done properly.
  7. Select a date for your wedding that is not already notable for something else.
  8. Choose attendants and other member of the wedding party with care. They will part of your memories of your special day, and will be a part of the photos that you will cherish.
  9. Try to choose outfits that your attendants really can wear latter.
  10. Get details in writing.There is nothing worse than thinking you are getting a particular product or service in one way, and finding out that you are incorrect. Keep receipts for everything you pay in connection to the wedding.
  11. Select some method of keeping all your details organized there are many free wedding web sites that are designed to help you and your wedding party stay organized. Weddingwire.com is an excellent. Many brides still use index cards, and some find a loose leaf notebook system helpful.
  12. List all wedding tasks to be done and assign a due date for each. This will be helpful when meeting with suppliers of goods and services. 
  13. Find out deadlines by which you will have to have particular decisions made and abide by them. Remember they are intended to help you.
  14. Get a master calendar where all activities, plans, and deadlines will be recorded.
  15. Begin to think about what type of service you would like, wha traditions you would like to honor, and what religious elements you would like to include.
  16. Have a back up plan if your wedding is planned for outdoors.
  17. As you begin to think  of whom you will invite, keep a list of extras  that out-of-town guest will need, such as a ride to the rehearsal dinner.
  18. Enlist help ahead of time to help accommodate special needs of guests.
  19. Be ready to bear the cost of extras that you ask your attendants to have, such as professionally applied make-up or perfect manicure.
  20. Check well ahead of the wedding for marriage license requirements.
  21. What to wear?  You can ease the process of dressing everyone appropriately for the ceremony by knowing what your wedding vision is before you even start.
  22. Plan to show your appreciation to members of the wedding party with a gift to help commemorate the occasion.
  23.  Remember you are blending your families,so make sure you remain respectful of your fiance’s suggestions he knows them better than you do.
  24. Send thank-you notes promptly so you do not feel overwhelmed by the task.
  25. Take time to enjoy the journey to the altar. Relax and savor the process.
  26. Begin to develop a budget for your wedding expenses.
  27. Include in the budget honorarium for the minster, musicians, and others who help the ceremony but who are not attendants.
  28. Decide up front who will pay for what.There are traditional guidelines about this, though in recent years they have become more casual they are still an important facet of planning a wedding. 
  29. Consider setting up a wedding gift registry, it helps to take the guess-work out for those who are buying you and your fiance’ gifts.
  30. Remember to tie up the loose ends and finishing with finesse because you are creating a day you will cherish for a lifetime.

What Married Couples Can learn From Divorced Couples?

Posted in Divorce, Life, Love, Marriage, Psychology, relationships by

Would it surprise you that some of the best lessons about how to strengthen a marriage can come from those who have suffered through divorce?

I want to share with you five things couples have learned the hard way that you can do today to help strengthen the bonds between you and your spouse.

Terri Orbuch is a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute of Social Research, she recently identified some of the top common regrets of divorced couples.

“Divorced individuals who step back and say, ‘ This is what I’ve done wrong and this is what I will change,’ have something powerful to teach others”, She recently told the Wall Street Journal.

1. Boost your spouse’s mood: Encouraging and affirming your spouse in very simple ways can go a very long way. One study found that when a husband reported his wife didn’t express love and affection (not necessarily sex) the couple was as likely to divorce.

2. Talk more about money: Money is a magnifier of problems but it’s also a common source of significant tension. Don’t keep secrets and establish a family budget and stick to it.

3. Get over the past: Couples who can’t forgive past hurts grow bitter and resentful. Again, talk it our. Write a letter. Talk with a friend.

4. Blame the relationship: Studies suggest that 65% of divorces blame the ex-spouse for the demise of their marriage. When discussing relationship problems. Dr. Orbuch suggests saying, “we,”or “I,” for example, you might say. “We are both so tired lately,” not “You are so crabby.”

5. Reveal more about yourself: Dr. Orbuch recommends: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics.

Do you resonate with these findings? What might you add as #6 on this list? leave your comments in the comment box… Thanks

If I Be Like Her Then Who Will Be Me?

Posted in Life, Love, Psychology, relationships by

Worry gives small problems big shadows. Corrie Ten Boom said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties today of its strength.” Most anxiety stems, not from what we need, but from what we want. Who wants to live with yesterday’s rubble? Who wants to hoard the trash of the past? You don’t! Do you? Or do you?

I’m not talking about the trash in your house, but in your heart, not the junk of paper’s and boxes but remnants of anger and hurt. Do you rat-pack your pain? Amass offense? Record slights?

A tour of your heart might be telling you a pile of rejections: Accumulated insults, no one can blame you,
there are innocent takers, promise breakers, and wound makers. They’re everywhere and you’ve had your share.

All of us know what a morbidly delicious temptation it can be to beat yourself up about almost anything that goes wrong in your relationship or, for that matter, in life in general.

If you have a fight or if you’re to chicken to pick a fight, if you waste money or are a miser, if you’re a neatness fanatic or a slob what ever your habits, predilections, attitudes, or expectations, you find yourself blaming yourself for whatever goes awry in your relationship.

The reality is that no matter what your style, no matter what you do precipitously or fail to do in time or in the right way, you’re doing the best you can. Beating yourself up, blaming yourself, focusing endlessly on your faults the way you might have been, or should have been, done it, or not done it, never improves the situation.

Look at yourself with compassion and start enjoying your curious little idiosyncrasies. Acknowledge that it’s just fine to be you. Let it be all right that you’re different from everybody else. Like the old Yiddish adage says, “If I be like him, then who will be me?”

Being easy on yourself means that you accept yourself as your are, that you forgive yourself for your mistakes and go on, lovingly acknowledging your foibles, your idiosyncratic style. Only by being gentle with yourself can you also be good-natured and forgiving with the person you love.

 Give yourself a break; decide that you’re just fine exactly as you are. My two-year old grandson knows he is perfect just the way he is and every time he greets me he says, Hi, I’m me! I say, you are you! He says, I am me!  Can you say Hi, I am me and mean it like he does?

At First Glance

Posted in friendships, Life, Love, Romace, Uncategorized by

 Jennifer never dreamed that she could fall in love with any other man but Joe until Jennifer went to New York and walked into The Plaza Hotel and there was a handsome young man standing in the lobby, their eyes met they couldn’t stop staring at each.

Before she knew it they were talking, he invited her to dinner. She said, I’m engaged he said, don’t engaged women eat? She said, “yes.” He said, dinner at eight.

They danced the night away until half past two, then they returned to the Plaza Hotel and sat outside by the pool and talked until sunrise. There was one embarrassing moment when Jennifer’s father came outside in his pajamas looking for her, and said.”Oh, you’re with him the man your going to marry. Okay then and he turned walked away. 

Jennifer blushed and apologized for her fathers out burst and James said, I agree with your dad I have just met the girl I’m going to marry. It seemed as if war-time had speeded everything up. A few months after Jennifer and James celebrated their thirtieth wedding anniversary James passed away unexpectedly. 

 Jennifer and Joe met in kindergarten and instantly became best friends. Their first official date was their prom. After graduation Joe joined the army and purposed to Jennifer she said, “yes”. Two weeks before the wedding  Jennifer met James.

Even though Joe had hurt feelings he was happy for Jennifer and they remained friends. Jennifer and Joe supported each other through their time of sorrow when they lost their spouses and as a result fell in love with each other again. They had a quite family wedding that included children and grandchildren from their previous marriages.

Joe surprised Jennifer by buying her childhood home and restoring it back to the way it was when they were children and Jennifer found the tree where they had carved their names and declared their friendship and had it moved to the back yard of their home.

Two defining moments changed every thing for Jennifer and Joe the first one was when Jennifer and James eyes met and when James died and Joe came back into Jennifer’s life. When Jennifer and Joe were asked if they had any regrets they immediately said, “No.”

Happy Endings Like The Kiss At The End Of A Fairy Tale

Posted in Dreams, Life, Love, relationships, Romace, Uncategorized, Working Women by

We all want happy endings like the kiss at the end of the fairy tale, we’re all waiting for it. 

 Rick and Liz are a couple who have experienced a fairy tale ending. When they first met their eyes were filled with only each other and they hung on every word said totally captivated by the sound each others her voices.

On their first date he was too nervous to eat, but Liz helped  him to loosen up a bit by asking ,”So how was your day?” He kind of looked at her, a bit surprised, and said, “What do you mean?” She said, ‘I mean how was your day?”

To Liz, that was a more caring way to find out about a person’s life rather than just up and asking them what they do for a living. So Rick shared with her about a problem he’d had at work that day. Then he said, “you’re a business owner, what would you have done? She said, “Hmm. I would have handled it completely differently.” And then she gave him her opinion. He started laughing and said, “Uh, why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” She said, “If you want a different answer, ask a different girl.”

Rick said, Oh I apologize if I sounded condescending your answer has given me a lot to think about and maybe in the further you and I can explore other business options that I haven’t considered. Liz smiled and said she would like that. During their first date Liz noticed that Rick took her seriously, and she liked that.

On the way home they talked about current music, books, movies, obscure artists. They shook hands at the end of the night, which was totally typical for Liz. The next weekend Rick and Liz went out on their second date she wore a summer halter dress with funny green butterflies in her hair thinking if she was dressed like a carefree woman it would help to loosen up her type A control-freak personality.

When they got into Ricks bright red Mazda Miata ( which Liz liked even more than she liked Rick) she leaned forward and to tell Rick what route to take to the restaurant. Rick remained quiet while she gave him her instructions, and then he said two words to her that shifted the whole dynamic. Those two words were: “Nice Perfume.” Liz didn’t know exactly what happened in that moment, but it was certainly chemical. There was no other way to explain it. She turned around and looked out the window and thought, Oh my, I love him. 

They went to a romantic bistro down by the sea-shore, and sat in the outdoor garden. Liz looked across the table at him, and she was thinking, How did this happen, could I already be in love with him? All of her senses were firing. She knew that something was going on here and she had recognized something familiar in Rick.

Liz said, “What’s the story with you, what’s the issue? There’s something a little broken in you, she could feel it. She figured it takes one shattered spirit to know another, and in the middle of dinner he opened up to her about his complicated family relationships, old wounds that were magnified by the fact that he worked with his father and uncle in the family business. He told her that he wanted to leave and make his own success, but he felt a tremendous obligation to carry on what his grandfather had started, and he was pretty resentful of it all. Liz listened and then said, why don’t you come work for me? Rick smiled.

They talked until 4:00 a.am. about everything and nothing. At nine the next morning Liz’s door bell rang, she opened it and there were two dozen red roses. After that they started competing for who could out            romance the other, and it was intoxicating and explosive and yet at the end of each date they always shook hands. Rick and Liz were finally ready to embrace love with a grateful, open heart and had chosen the right person to throw their arms around for the rest of their lives.

 Many couples forge into marriage with a mindset of “What’s in it for me?” What am I going to get out of this?” They consciously or unconsciously seek to get instead of give. Rick and Liz learned a more loving and humble approach would be to ask. “What can I bring to this marriage?” and “What can I learn from my spouse?” Have you ever thought about the purpose marriage? 

The number one reason people get married is love,” They want to spend the rest of their life with the person” and the second reason is “To have kids.” Rick and Liz wanted to do both. Rick learned from Liz a better way to operate a business and Liz learned to let go of the need to be controlling they both leaned a better way to love. What’s the purpose of your marriage?

 

Babies Don’t Keep

Posted in Babies, Chidren, family, Family Values, grandkids, Life, Love, Moms, Songs by

Dishes Can WaitEvery now and then a song comes along that speaks to our hearts “Babies Don’t Keep” is one of them. I’m not sure who the author is but I do know that Betty Jean Robinson recorded it many years ago.

When I was a young mother I routinely quoted the words to “Babies Don’t Keep” throughout the day especially if I found myself feeling a little cranky because I felt that I should have been able to take care of a baby and my house chores.

A couple of years ago I noticed my son and daughter in law where very busy keeping up with the demands of every day life, house chores and their children. Then I started saying to myself ” Dishes Be Still “and I couldn’t figure out where I had heard those words before so I asked a few of my friends if they knew a poem called “Dishes Be Still” they didn’t, but suggested that I write one.

I am not a poet but the other night I was suffering  T.V. there was Betty Jean Robinson singing a song called “Babies Don’t Keep” and it got my attention. Then my memories of being a new mother all came flooding back to me and it was fun revisiting them. 

As I went down memory lane I remembered my grandmother singing ” Babies Don’t Keep” to me over the phone on the days when my house chores just seemed to be calling me while I was rocking my baby. I would start saying to myself “Oh, Dishes Be Still Babies Don’t Keep” and before I knew it the dishes stopped calling to me and was able to enjoy rocking my baby.

If you are struggling with the demands of motherhood and the house chores the words to “Babies Don’t Keep” might tug at your heart like it did mine.

God gave us these little ones for just a short time. He said, they’re your blessings, but remember they’re mine. Made in his image this mystery unfolds a child is more Precious than Silver and Gold.

So housework be quiet and chores wait in line. I’m holding my Jewel for this is my time. Dishes can wait and dust go to sleep. I’m Rocking my baby and Babies Don’t Keep.

One day you’ll be grown just like daddy and me. And if you’re not loved now oh, how sad it will be. So I’ll tell you of Jesus for he loves you more, So housework be still quiet and chores wait in line. I’m holding my Jewel for this is my time. Dishes can wait and Dust go to sleep. I’m Rocking my baby and Babies Don’t Keep.